Getting ready to say goodbye.

Saying I'm terrified of the future is an understatement. I want to go back in time to last month when my biggest problem was that I had no friends to celebrate my 20th birthday. My maternal grandfather has been in the ICU for over 15 days now without any improvement and I'm so scared. I am not ready to say goodbye yet. I don't think I'll ever be ready but specially not now. I don't want him to go with needles in him and pipe sticking in his mouth to help him breathe. If he has to go, I'd rather it be at home where he is not suffering so much.

My paternal grandfather had the most peaceful death. He was leaving the house to go for a checkup and he suddenly started to feel weak so he sat down and closed his eyes. And that was the end. I still remember every little detail of that day like it was yesterday. I was eating breakfast when we got the news that he died. I remember exactly what I was eating. I remember which plate it was. I remember what I was wearing. I remember the drive there. I remember being terrified of his body so refusing to go anywhere near him. It was all horrible and I'm not ready to go through it again.

I had gone to Lucknow last weekend to go see my maternal grandfather. I walked into the ICU not really knowing what to expect. The second I saw him, I could feel the tears coming. I have never seen him look so weak in my life. It was traumatizing to see him with all the needles and pipes sticking into him. I couldn't talk  because he was on the ventilator. But the second he saw me, he had the biggest smile on his face and started waving his hands in excitement. That's when I noticed his left hand looking like a stump. I immediately freaked out. Me being the negative person that I am, automatically assumed it had been cut off. But my mother reassured me that his hands were alright and that it was only tied up because he keeps pulling things off. He was excited and wanted to talk but I could not understand any of his sign language. I was in complete shock at seeing him. 

Next day, I was on hospital duty to babysit him. I just had to sit there and not do anything but I was anxious. That day he mostly slept during the time I was in the hospital. The second day he was more chatty and happy. He greeted me with the mischievous half smile which I love. I thought I would never see that smile again. He talked a lot to me that day. I finally started to understand his sign  language. Being the foody that he is, he asked me what I ate, whether I have eaten chaat yet (he knows I love the chaat in Lucknow). He asked me how work is. He also asked me about my trip to Andaman. I told him everything about the trip in great detail. Listening to me he had the biggest smile on his face and that made me so happy. I felt like I made a little difference. Even the nurse commented how this was the happiest she had ever seen him.

On the third and my last day in Lucknow, he was taken off the ventilator. He was still being given oxygen but he had to make the effort to breathe out so that his lungs could get strong again. It was a rough hour for me. I was begging and pleading with him to keep it on and he was crying about how he wanted the ventilator back. It was horrible seeing him cry. I finally manged to calm him down and convince him to keep it on. That day he went without the ventilator for 8 hours. I was elated. 

Before going to the airport, I went to see him one last time and say goodbye. He was in a happy mood. I told him to get well soon and get out of the hospital. He nodded in agreement. I told him that once he was out, I would treat him to a large margarita pizza with extra cheese and he gave me a huge smile. 

That was the last time I saw him. I'm hoping that it is not the last time. I want to see him healthy again. I'm not ready for him to not be there anymore. But I guess it would be stupid to hope for something like that. Things have just gotten worse since then.

My mother is saying that she rather he go than keep suffering like this. I don't want him to suffer but I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I want to eat pizza with him again. I want to sit and sip delicious tomato soup with him while he tells me about his golden days of school, hunting and the other things he used to do. I want him to tell me more about different animals and birds. I want him to come to Delhi again. I want to finally get around to recording all those never ending stories of his. But mostly, I just want him to be there a little longer. 

Taking the road less traveled...

Last year, around July-August, was the worst time in my life. Everything was uncertain and I did not know where I was going in life. I had no one to blame but myself.

During the board exams, my procrastination levels reached a new high. I just could not get myself to study. The only time I manged to study was at 3 AM on the day I had the exam, So basically I was studying for 4-5 hours for the most important exams of my school life. Obviously when the result came out, I did not get anything close to a 90%. The day the results came out was the day I  realized I had fucked my future by not studying. I know all the crap about "your marks don't define you" and "marks are not the most important things in life" and other BS along the same lines. I'll be honest here. For anyone trying to get into Delhi University, marks ARE everything. Everything about getting into DU is insane.

The day our marks came out, it seemed to me that everyone got 95+ while I was stuck with an insignificant result of 70% (it would have been 75 but obviously DU cannot consider a subject like Physical Education because it's not like it's real and our exams were all pretence). I was really happy and proud of my friends because they all did get above 90% but at the same time I was dying inside. Everyone was happy about their marks and I did not want to be the party pooper so I never admitted to anyone about how I felt.

Things only went downhill from there. I spent countless days crying (though it wasn't like crying would make any difference). My mother was the only one around to comfort me. And seeing my mother used to make me cry even more because for once I did not want to be the disappointment. As someone who is not particularly good at anything, I always feel like I fail at making her feel proud of me. I'm not exactly the brag worthy kid you tell your friends about. I'm the average one who fucks up most of the time. But she was not concerned with my marks and told me repeatedly that she knew things would work out.

At the time, one of my friends (I don't really know why she did it but it did kinda help me) told me that she also got 70%. I was surprised at that because she had worked hard and should have got over 90. So during the worst times, it was sort of nice to know that I was not the only one who did not get 90. But she later revealed to me that she did get above 90 (I don't remember the exact number). In retrospect, I am kinda glad she lied to me. It did help me feel a little better.

Of course to be honest, this was all my fault (also CBSE's fault but that is another rant), I should have studied more so this was kinda what I deserved. But it did feel like the end of the world.

Obviously that was not the end of the world because then the first cut off list came out. And with each list I could feel myself die a little more. I was at my wits end. I did not know what I was going to do. I was not ready to leave home and be responsible for myself yet so I never applied outside (not that I would have got in there) and I did not want a shit ton of money to be spent on me for a private university.

This is when my relatives helped me out. Unlike what I hear about other people's relatives, mine were actually trying to help and gave some really good advise. My uncle was the one who suggested to do my graduation through open school. I was initially not ecstatic at the thought. College was supposed to be the time that I finally got good friends and got to live that amazing DU life. But of course things rarely go as per plans.

I eventually did get into a college. But after hours of over thinking, I decided to not go to regular college. I did not tell my parents that I did get into a college until a few months ago. So going through open school was completely my decision. I do not know what made me pick open school over regular college but now I am kinda glad I did. I still don't know if this was the right decision but there's no going back now.

There are pros and cons to both the choices. If I had gone to regular college, I would have had friends, gone to stupid things like college fests and parties and maybe had more fun. But even without college, I have had a terrific year so far (hopefully haven't screwed up my exams though). I am learning a new language, I am doing my second internship, traveled by myself, gone on a trek (intend to do more) and a whole bunch of other things which I don't remember right now.

I remember during my first internship, I had to go to a concert (nothing big, just a few bands from around the country though they were amazing) for work and I bumped into a classmate from school. She was going for a fest. When I told her what I was doing, I could see the envious look on her face. And that is so weird for me because no one is envious of me. Her exact words to me were "You're doing so much with your life and I'm just going to attend a stupid college fest." I guess the grass does seem greener on the other side. But being told that I'm doing something useful in life by someone who got into one of the good DU colleges is weird.

I have my good days where I feel like I'm actually doing something with my life and not just wasting time like most people. But then I also have days when I feel completely alone. While everyone is generally having a great time in life partying, I'm working my ass off. People spend their nights getting high and drunk and I'm mostly trying to complete as much work as possible. Its like I have already turned 30. I don't know but I think I do kinda like my life at the moment. I think that what I'm doing right now was the best decision for but I still do doubt myself. I guess I will know later if this was the right thing or not. My favourite poem  has always been "The road not taken" by Robert Frost and I am trying to take the road less traveled and hopefully, it will make all the difference.

-Arunima 

I suck at friendship

I don't know why but I've always been bad at making friends and worse at keeping them. I'm so jealous of people who have had the same best friend for over 15 years.These are the people who have been there for each other for everything. They have literally seen everything. Somehow none of my friends manage to last for more than 3 years. I don't know if it's me or it's them. When school ended, I wasn't sad about the fact that school was over but the fact that I was in the same school for 13 years and somehow managed to not have a single friend that I would miss.(Admittedly I became close to a few, months after school ended). It's funny to think how when I was 14, I was in the so called cool people group and there were 15-16 of us. I have never felt as lonely as I did when I was part of the "cool group". If there is an emotion I don't know how to deal with, its loneliness.

I seem to never fit in anywhere. Back then, I was the crazy tomboy who just obsessed over books, football and beating up people. Everyone else in my group had suddenly become boy-crazy. All of a sudden, everyone seemed to have boyfriends. They never wanted to talk about anything other than their precious boyfriends. I slowly realized that no one was interested in anything I had to say. So I started to shut everyone out. I stopped talking to anyone in school. Everyone else got more absorbed into their "relationships" and I got absorbed into my own tiny cocoon. I felt like an outsider in the group I had been in since class 1. These were my worst years.

After a while, I decided I don't have to remain with people that make me so unhappy. But I had never been friends with anyone else other than these people. I was friendly with everyone but everyone else had their own groups and at the time, I could not just leave mine and join them. Around the end of 10th, I started to slowly stop hanging out with them. I finally stopped caring about being part of the group and decided to be alone. I was not ever alone as such because I was friendly with everyone but I was officially part of no group anymore.

The longest I've been friends with anyone is a little over 6 years. She knows me well enough to predict my reactions to things, knows what kind of stuff I like and don't like, We end up talking in chorus in a creepy way and its hilarious. I love her so don't get me wrong. But even with her around, I still get that sad lonely feeling. (wow I really sound like a nutcase). She has a boyfriend who was her best friend earlier so they have known each other for over 8 years. Obviously, it will always be boyfriend > me. But sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to be first on someone's list. I think everyone just takes me for granted so I'm always the backup person.

I don't easily open up to people but recently, I told her a lot of stuff I have never told anyone before. All the crazy dark thoughts in my head that I had pushed to a corner. Talking to her just made me realize that I will always be second best. She might call me her best friend but in reality her best friend will always be her boyfriend. And I do understand that because he has always been there for her. I always dealt with things all by myself but she always had him. I know she will be there for me whenever I need her but I have to accept that the fact that I will always be second best. I should be used to it by now. Every time someone got a boyfriend, I was irrelevant,

I guess being the socially awkward person I am, I will forever be alone. Everyone else is moving on, meeting new people and making more friends. Here I am. Still the same. Nothing seems to change. 

I buried a dog today....

It was  just another lazy morning for me. I had plans to go for a book sale happening but I was exhausted. So I was just lying on my bed and watching Game of Thrones. My mum had gone out of the house for some work. When she came back, she ran into my room and said "Kallu is dead. He's been poisoned".

I immediately jumped out of my bed and ran outside. The fact that the friendly gentle giant (He was pretty big) was dead, just wasn't sinking in. I ran outside and mum followed me. I don't really know what I was feeling  but anger was definitely there. I was furious that someone could actually poison a dog! 

I reached there and I saw him. One would have thought he was sleeping. I went up to him and put my hand on him. I was hoping and praying that maybe just maybe he was not dead yet. Maybe there's still some life left in him. But the second I touched him, I knew he was dead. His body was completely stiff. His tongue had swollen up and was black. His eyes refused to open. I felt so helpless! I was hoping there would be some life left in him. At least that way, we could have taken him to the doctor and there might have been a chance for him to survive. But here was his lifeless body lying in the sun. 

He lived in front of the society next to mine and there was this girl who used to feed him everyday so we decided to call her. She was out of town but her mother and another girl (who also helped in feeding the dogs) came down. Now their society is known to hate dogs. So we knew for a fact that someone in their society had poisoned him.

We were all trying to figure out what to do with the body and finally decided to bury him in the park nearby. We jumped into the car and went to go look for a laborer to help us dig a hole. But as luck would have it, they had all already gone for work. Finally this guy heard us talking and agreed to dig a hole. He started digging the hole and we went to go get the dog. We grabbed packets of salt and a bed sheet. We then went to take the dog to the park to bury him. 

We gently picked up his stiff lifeless body and put him on the sheet. Every step towards the park, was breaking my heart. The thought that I would never see him again, never again be able to pet him or hear his happy crying at seeing me was making me sadder. At least if a car ran over him, there would have been some comfort in the fact that it was probably his fault (he had a habit of chasing cars).  But here a happy healthy dog was dead. We put his body in the hole. After petting him for one last time, we covered his body with salt and then sand.

This was a hard thing for me. Kallu was the first dead dog I have seen. It's been a rough day. It is things like this because of which I lose faith in humanity all together. This is going to sound crazy but I have never wanted someone to suffer and die but whoever killed Kallu, I sincerely hope they suffer as much as they made that poor helpless animal suffer. The worst part is that he must have not even known what was happening to him. The world is truly a cruel place. 

Hello Internet!

Hi! I've always wanted to try blogging and I've finally decided to stop being lazy and do it. I know vlogging is more popular right now but I'm pretty sure I'll be useless at that (Not that I'm claiming I'll be good at this).

This is not going to be a blog on anything specific. Just random things that concern me, bother me or something I want to talk about. I won't say I'm a good writer. Actually I have no idea whether I'm good or bad, I'll leave that to you to decide. I will try to make it awesome =D (I'm new here, do emojis even look good here?!)

I'm just the average 19 year old girl trying to survive college. I love reading. I excessively watch tv shows and movies (Yep pretty normal in that aspect). I used to play the drums until I became lazy and stopped practicing ( laziness will be my downfall). I do intend to get back one day. I absolutely adore Krav Maga. And I'm really proud of the fact that I am now on my seventh year of learning Krav Maga! This is probably the only I've managed to sustain in my life. I love travelling especially to the mountains. The mountains are my happy place. It's the only place on the planet where I'm happy being completely off the grid. I like to click pictures (nature and animals pictures mostly). I don't think I'm particularly great at it but it's something I enjoy. I really enjoy playing football but after injuring my ankles, I haven't really played. Pretty bummed out about that. I adore animals! (especially dogs). I like animals more than I like people. I have two idiotic dogs, Bella (no she's not named after Twilight) and Chloe.

I can't think of what else to write so I guess I'll stop here.

- Arunima