I don't know why but I've always been bad at making friends and worse at keeping them. I'm so jealous of people who have had the same best friend for over 15 years.These are the people who have been there for each other for everything. They have literally seen everything. Somehow none of my friends manage to last for more than 3 years. I don't know if it's me or it's them. When school ended, I wasn't sad about the fact that school was over but the fact that I was in the same school for 13 years and somehow managed to not have a single friend that I would miss.(Admittedly I became close to a few, months after school ended). It's funny to think how when I was 14, I was in the so called cool people group and there were 15-16 of us. I have never felt as lonely as I did when I was part of the "cool group". If there is an emotion I don't know how to deal with, its loneliness.
I seem to never fit in anywhere. Back then, I was the crazy tomboy who just obsessed over books, football and beating up people. Everyone else in my group had suddenly become boy-crazy. All of a sudden, everyone seemed to have boyfriends. They never wanted to talk about anything other than their precious boyfriends. I slowly realized that no one was interested in anything I had to say. So I started to shut everyone out. I stopped talking to anyone in school. Everyone else got more absorbed into their "relationships" and I got absorbed into my own tiny cocoon. I felt like an outsider in the group I had been in since class 1. These were my worst years.
After a while, I decided I don't have to remain with people that make me so unhappy. But I had never been friends with anyone else other than these people. I was friendly with everyone but everyone else had their own groups and at the time, I could not just leave mine and join them. Around the end of 10th, I started to slowly stop hanging out with them. I finally stopped caring about being part of the group and decided to be alone. I was not ever alone as such because I was friendly with everyone but I was officially part of no group anymore.
The longest I've been friends with anyone is a little over 6 years. She knows me well enough to predict my reactions to things, knows what kind of stuff I like and don't like, We end up talking in chorus in a creepy way and its hilarious. I love her so don't get me wrong. But even with her around, I still get that sad lonely feeling. (wow I really sound like a nutcase). She has a boyfriend who was her best friend earlier so they have known each other for over 8 years. Obviously, it will always be boyfriend > me. But sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to be first on someone's list. I think everyone just takes me for granted so I'm always the backup person.
I don't easily open up to people but recently, I told her a lot of stuff I have never told anyone before. All the crazy dark thoughts in my head that I had pushed to a corner. Talking to her just made me realize that I will always be second best. She might call me her best friend but in reality her best friend will always be her boyfriend. And I do understand that because he has always been there for her. I always dealt with things all by myself but she always had him. I know she will be there for me whenever I need her but I have to accept that the fact that I will always be second best. I should be used to it by now. Every time someone got a boyfriend, I was irrelevant,
I guess being the socially awkward person I am, I will forever be alone. Everyone else is moving on, meeting new people and making more friends. Here I am. Still the same. Nothing seems to change.
I seem to never fit in anywhere. Back then, I was the crazy tomboy who just obsessed over books, football and beating up people. Everyone else in my group had suddenly become boy-crazy. All of a sudden, everyone seemed to have boyfriends. They never wanted to talk about anything other than their precious boyfriends. I slowly realized that no one was interested in anything I had to say. So I started to shut everyone out. I stopped talking to anyone in school. Everyone else got more absorbed into their "relationships" and I got absorbed into my own tiny cocoon. I felt like an outsider in the group I had been in since class 1. These were my worst years.
After a while, I decided I don't have to remain with people that make me so unhappy. But I had never been friends with anyone else other than these people. I was friendly with everyone but everyone else had their own groups and at the time, I could not just leave mine and join them. Around the end of 10th, I started to slowly stop hanging out with them. I finally stopped caring about being part of the group and decided to be alone. I was not ever alone as such because I was friendly with everyone but I was officially part of no group anymore.
The longest I've been friends with anyone is a little over 6 years. She knows me well enough to predict my reactions to things, knows what kind of stuff I like and don't like, We end up talking in chorus in a creepy way and its hilarious. I love her so don't get me wrong. But even with her around, I still get that sad lonely feeling. (wow I really sound like a nutcase). She has a boyfriend who was her best friend earlier so they have known each other for over 8 years. Obviously, it will always be boyfriend > me. But sometimes, just sometimes it would be nice to be first on someone's list. I think everyone just takes me for granted so I'm always the backup person.
I don't easily open up to people but recently, I told her a lot of stuff I have never told anyone before. All the crazy dark thoughts in my head that I had pushed to a corner. Talking to her just made me realize that I will always be second best. She might call me her best friend but in reality her best friend will always be her boyfriend. And I do understand that because he has always been there for her. I always dealt with things all by myself but she always had him. I know she will be there for me whenever I need her but I have to accept that the fact that I will always be second best. I should be used to it by now. Every time someone got a boyfriend, I was irrelevant,
I guess being the socially awkward person I am, I will forever be alone. Everyone else is moving on, meeting new people and making more friends. Here I am. Still the same. Nothing seems to change.
