Getting ready to say goodbye.

Saying I'm terrified of the future is an understatement. I want to go back in time to last month when my biggest problem was that I had no friends to celebrate my 20th birthday. My maternal grandfather has been in the ICU for over 15 days now without any improvement and I'm so scared. I am not ready to say goodbye yet. I don't think I'll ever be ready but specially not now. I don't want him to go with needles in him and pipe sticking in his mouth to help him breathe. If he has to go, I'd rather it be at home where he is not suffering so much.

My paternal grandfather had the most peaceful death. He was leaving the house to go for a checkup and he suddenly started to feel weak so he sat down and closed his eyes. And that was the end. I still remember every little detail of that day like it was yesterday. I was eating breakfast when we got the news that he died. I remember exactly what I was eating. I remember which plate it was. I remember what I was wearing. I remember the drive there. I remember being terrified of his body so refusing to go anywhere near him. It was all horrible and I'm not ready to go through it again.

I had gone to Lucknow last weekend to go see my maternal grandfather. I walked into the ICU not really knowing what to expect. The second I saw him, I could feel the tears coming. I have never seen him look so weak in my life. It was traumatizing to see him with all the needles and pipes sticking into him. I couldn't talk  because he was on the ventilator. But the second he saw me, he had the biggest smile on his face and started waving his hands in excitement. That's when I noticed his left hand looking like a stump. I immediately freaked out. Me being the negative person that I am, automatically assumed it had been cut off. But my mother reassured me that his hands were alright and that it was only tied up because he keeps pulling things off. He was excited and wanted to talk but I could not understand any of his sign language. I was in complete shock at seeing him. 

Next day, I was on hospital duty to babysit him. I just had to sit there and not do anything but I was anxious. That day he mostly slept during the time I was in the hospital. The second day he was more chatty and happy. He greeted me with the mischievous half smile which I love. I thought I would never see that smile again. He talked a lot to me that day. I finally started to understand his sign  language. Being the foody that he is, he asked me what I ate, whether I have eaten chaat yet (he knows I love the chaat in Lucknow). He asked me how work is. He also asked me about my trip to Andaman. I told him everything about the trip in great detail. Listening to me he had the biggest smile on his face and that made me so happy. I felt like I made a little difference. Even the nurse commented how this was the happiest she had ever seen him.

On the third and my last day in Lucknow, he was taken off the ventilator. He was still being given oxygen but he had to make the effort to breathe out so that his lungs could get strong again. It was a rough hour for me. I was begging and pleading with him to keep it on and he was crying about how he wanted the ventilator back. It was horrible seeing him cry. I finally manged to calm him down and convince him to keep it on. That day he went without the ventilator for 8 hours. I was elated. 

Before going to the airport, I went to see him one last time and say goodbye. He was in a happy mood. I told him to get well soon and get out of the hospital. He nodded in agreement. I told him that once he was out, I would treat him to a large margarita pizza with extra cheese and he gave me a huge smile. 

That was the last time I saw him. I'm hoping that it is not the last time. I want to see him healthy again. I'm not ready for him to not be there anymore. But I guess it would be stupid to hope for something like that. Things have just gotten worse since then.

My mother is saying that she rather he go than keep suffering like this. I don't want him to suffer but I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I want to eat pizza with him again. I want to sit and sip delicious tomato soup with him while he tells me about his golden days of school, hunting and the other things he used to do. I want him to tell me more about different animals and birds. I want him to come to Delhi again. I want to finally get around to recording all those never ending stories of his. But mostly, I just want him to be there a little longer.