Last year, around July-August, was the worst time in my life. Everything was uncertain and I did not know where I was going in life. I had no one to blame but myself.
During the board exams, my procrastination levels reached a new high. I just could not get myself to study. The only time I manged to study was at 3 AM on the day I had the exam, So basically I was studying for 4-5 hours for the most important exams of my school life. Obviously when the result came out, I did not get anything close to a 90%. The day the results came out was the day I realized I had fucked my future by not studying. I know all the crap about "your marks don't define you" and "marks are not the most important things in life" and other BS along the same lines. I'll be honest here. For anyone trying to get into Delhi University, marks ARE everything. Everything about getting into DU is insane.
The day our marks came out, it seemed to me that everyone got 95+ while I was stuck with an insignificant result of 70% (it would have been 75 but obviously DU cannot consider a subject like Physical Education because it's not like it's real and our exams were all pretence). I was really happy and proud of my friends because they all did get above 90% but at the same time I was dying inside. Everyone was happy about their marks and I did not want to be the party pooper so I never admitted to anyone about how I felt.
Things only went downhill from there. I spent countless days crying (though it wasn't like crying would make any difference). My mother was the only one around to comfort me. And seeing my mother used to make me cry even more because for once I did not want to be the disappointment. As someone who is not particularly good at anything, I always feel like I fail at making her feel proud of me. I'm not exactly the brag worthy kid you tell your friends about. I'm the average one who fucks up most of the time. But she was not concerned with my marks and told me repeatedly that she knew things would work out.
At the time, one of my friends (I don't really know why she did it but it did kinda help me) told me that she also got 70%. I was surprised at that because she had worked hard and should have got over 90. So during the worst times, it was sort of nice to know that I was not the only one who did not get 90. But she later revealed to me that she did get above 90 (I don't remember the exact number). In retrospect, I am kinda glad she lied to me. It did help me feel a little better.
Of course to be honest, this was all my fault (also CBSE's fault but that is another rant), I should have studied more so this was kinda what I deserved. But it did feel like the end of the world.
Obviously that was not the end of the world because then the first cut off list came out. And with each list I could feel myself die a little more. I was at my wits end. I did not know what I was going to do. I was not ready to leave home and be responsible for myself yet so I never applied outside (not that I would have got in there) and I did not want a shit ton of money to be spent on me for a private university.
This is when my relatives helped me out. Unlike what I hear about other people's relatives, mine were actually trying to help and gave some really good advise. My uncle was the one who suggested to do my graduation through open school. I was initially not ecstatic at the thought. College was supposed to be the time that I finally got good friends and got to live that amazing DU life. But of course things rarely go as per plans.
I eventually did get into a college. But after hours of over thinking, I decided to not go to regular college. I did not tell my parents that I did get into a college until a few months ago. So going through open school was completely my decision. I do not know what made me pick open school over regular college but now I am kinda glad I did. I still don't know if this was the right decision but there's no going back now.
There are pros and cons to both the choices. If I had gone to regular college, I would have had friends, gone to stupid things like college fests and parties and maybe had more fun. But even without college, I have had a terrific year so far (hopefully haven't screwed up my exams though). I am learning a new language, I am doing my second internship, traveled by myself, gone on a trek (intend to do more) and a whole bunch of other things which I don't remember right now.
I remember during my first internship, I had to go to a concert (nothing big, just a few bands from around the country though they were amazing) for work and I bumped into a classmate from school. She was going for a fest. When I told her what I was doing, I could see the envious look on her face. And that is so weird for me because no one is envious of me. Her exact words to me were "You're doing so much with your life and I'm just going to attend a stupid college fest." I guess the grass does seem greener on the other side. But being told that I'm doing something useful in life by someone who got into one of the good DU colleges is weird.
I have my good days where I feel like I'm actually doing something with my life and not just wasting time like most people. But then I also have days when I feel completely alone. While everyone is generally having a great time in life partying, I'm working my ass off. People spend their nights getting high and drunk and I'm mostly trying to complete as much work as possible. Its like I have already turned 30. I don't know but I think I do kinda like my life at the moment. I think that what I'm doing right now was the best decision for but I still do doubt myself. I guess I will know later if this was the right thing or not. My favourite poem has always been "The road not taken" by Robert Frost and I am trying to take the road less traveled and hopefully, it will make all the difference.
-Arunima
During the board exams, my procrastination levels reached a new high. I just could not get myself to study. The only time I manged to study was at 3 AM on the day I had the exam, So basically I was studying for 4-5 hours for the most important exams of my school life. Obviously when the result came out, I did not get anything close to a 90%. The day the results came out was the day I realized I had fucked my future by not studying. I know all the crap about "your marks don't define you" and "marks are not the most important things in life" and other BS along the same lines. I'll be honest here. For anyone trying to get into Delhi University, marks ARE everything. Everything about getting into DU is insane.
The day our marks came out, it seemed to me that everyone got 95+ while I was stuck with an insignificant result of 70% (it would have been 75 but obviously DU cannot consider a subject like Physical Education because it's not like it's real and our exams were all pretence). I was really happy and proud of my friends because they all did get above 90% but at the same time I was dying inside. Everyone was happy about their marks and I did not want to be the party pooper so I never admitted to anyone about how I felt.
Things only went downhill from there. I spent countless days crying (though it wasn't like crying would make any difference). My mother was the only one around to comfort me. And seeing my mother used to make me cry even more because for once I did not want to be the disappointment. As someone who is not particularly good at anything, I always feel like I fail at making her feel proud of me. I'm not exactly the brag worthy kid you tell your friends about. I'm the average one who fucks up most of the time. But she was not concerned with my marks and told me repeatedly that she knew things would work out.
At the time, one of my friends (I don't really know why she did it but it did kinda help me) told me that she also got 70%. I was surprised at that because she had worked hard and should have got over 90. So during the worst times, it was sort of nice to know that I was not the only one who did not get 90. But she later revealed to me that she did get above 90 (I don't remember the exact number). In retrospect, I am kinda glad she lied to me. It did help me feel a little better.
Of course to be honest, this was all my fault (also CBSE's fault but that is another rant), I should have studied more so this was kinda what I deserved. But it did feel like the end of the world.
Obviously that was not the end of the world because then the first cut off list came out. And with each list I could feel myself die a little more. I was at my wits end. I did not know what I was going to do. I was not ready to leave home and be responsible for myself yet so I never applied outside (not that I would have got in there) and I did not want a shit ton of money to be spent on me for a private university.
This is when my relatives helped me out. Unlike what I hear about other people's relatives, mine were actually trying to help and gave some really good advise. My uncle was the one who suggested to do my graduation through open school. I was initially not ecstatic at the thought. College was supposed to be the time that I finally got good friends and got to live that amazing DU life. But of course things rarely go as per plans.
I eventually did get into a college. But after hours of over thinking, I decided to not go to regular college. I did not tell my parents that I did get into a college until a few months ago. So going through open school was completely my decision. I do not know what made me pick open school over regular college but now I am kinda glad I did. I still don't know if this was the right decision but there's no going back now.
There are pros and cons to both the choices. If I had gone to regular college, I would have had friends, gone to stupid things like college fests and parties and maybe had more fun. But even without college, I have had a terrific year so far (hopefully haven't screwed up my exams though). I am learning a new language, I am doing my second internship, traveled by myself, gone on a trek (intend to do more) and a whole bunch of other things which I don't remember right now.
I remember during my first internship, I had to go to a concert (nothing big, just a few bands from around the country though they were amazing) for work and I bumped into a classmate from school. She was going for a fest. When I told her what I was doing, I could see the envious look on her face. And that is so weird for me because no one is envious of me. Her exact words to me were "You're doing so much with your life and I'm just going to attend a stupid college fest." I guess the grass does seem greener on the other side. But being told that I'm doing something useful in life by someone who got into one of the good DU colleges is weird.
I have my good days where I feel like I'm actually doing something with my life and not just wasting time like most people. But then I also have days when I feel completely alone. While everyone is generally having a great time in life partying, I'm working my ass off. People spend their nights getting high and drunk and I'm mostly trying to complete as much work as possible. Its like I have already turned 30. I don't know but I think I do kinda like my life at the moment. I think that what I'm doing right now was the best decision for but I still do doubt myself. I guess I will know later if this was the right thing or not. My favourite poem has always been "The road not taken" by Robert Frost and I am trying to take the road less traveled and hopefully, it will make all the difference.
-Arunima
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